Change and improvement are not the same things...

I figured out today why I don't open up to people as much as I used to.

I was walking in the hall with some friends and there was something that had been bugging me and so I brought it up. But they didn't get it...they even joked about it even though I was being dead serious. And then they acted like I hadn't even said anything and we just went on to some other conversation.

I guess I feel like no one really understands me anymore. There are some, but not many. I dunno...I think maybe some of this may be fault. When I bring something up I sometimes expect that person/people to respond in a certain way, and when they don't, I'm disappointed. Which isn't fair at all, I realize that.

I haven't really opened up to anyone in a long time, except my mom and one very good friend. I guess I'm afraid they won't understand, won't care, or will judge me because of it.

I'm afraid of judgement now...I didn't used to be. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough. That nothing I ever do will live up to the expectation of a friend. Something will always be wrong in whatever I do.

I also guard my actions a lot more than I used to. Sometimes it's good, but other times I'm just afraid of what others will think. I hate that. I feel like I'm trapped inside a skin of always doing what others think is right. Shouldn't I be doing what I think is right?

Camp Ichthus was so amazing. I felt like I was ME. The old me. The crazy, goofy, peppy, too-much-energy, burps-too-loud, just wants to have fun with her friends, doesn't care about the judgments of others ME.

Yes, I still am crazy, goofy, peppy, and burp a lot, but it feels...tamed. I dunno if that's the right word. But...I dunno.

I'm not upset about this all the time, I hardly think about it anymore. But then there'll be a moment when I remember how it USED to be, how I used to be. And I'll miss it. I'll think about what changed me and I'll get upset. And mad.

I'll have moments like Camp Ichthus where I'll feel so FREE. Not having a care in the world, incredibly happy, loving everything and everyone, thanking God for all my blessings, and enjoying life. But most of the time I'm just...dimmer, less colorful. I'm still me, I'm just...someone made me question myself, hesitate...change.

And I regret it so much.

Be concerned about your character and not your reputation, because your character is who you are, and your reputation is just what people think about you.

It’s not about being who everyone else wants you to be, it’s about being yourself and finding someone who loves every part of it.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.”-Dr. Seuss

Change and improvement are not the same things...